Moving

I never seem to stay put for long, do I?

I’m moving my blog again. I’m a little sorry for the inconvenience, but not so much that it trumps boredom. I feel the need to run the blog software myself again (though I’m not starting up the server at home again… I like my bandwidth just the way it is, thank you very much). I’ve got that itch to tinker again.

Anyway, new posts can be found here (http://mykauffman.com/myself/).

Inheritance

The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of the word “inheritance” is money, but there’s so much more. How many of us focus on the social status we’ll pass on to our children, to the exclusion of our intangible – and perhaps more valuable – assets? I have no social status, so there is no dilemma in my house. I’m going to pass on my intangibles, or I’m not going to pass on anything.

And there’s the problem.

My daughter got a bad deal in the gene department. She was born with a birth defect that caused multiple, painful urinary/kidney infections from the time she was born until she was about three. By the time the defect was discovered, it had caused irreparable damage to one kidney, and it had to be removed. While in the hospital recovering from surgery, we learned that she didn’t tolerate certain kinds of medication very well. We found this out when she started having frightening hallucinations. It’s bad enough trying to convince a child there are no monsters under the bed when they can’t see them. When they can “see” them… well, it’s one of the most frightening things I’ve experienced as a parent. When she started school we learned that she had Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (possibly triggered by her traumatic experiences as a toddler), which led to uncontrollable behaviors that the other kids (and some teachers) didn’t understand – and mocked.

Many of you know this already, either through this site or one of many in-person self pity sessions. I’m rehashing it now only to emphasize why I feel a strong need to be patient with my daughter. She deserves my patience not only because she’s my daughter, I love her, and she’s had a rough time; but also because I feel partially responsible. I’d ask why she’s like this, but I think I already know. Family stories suggest my mother’s grandmother was a bit unstable. My mother’s uncle committed suicide. My mother was recently committed. My mother’s family tree contains a lot of prominent New England surnames, going back to the Mayflower, but it also has a history of mental illness. I live in fear that this will be my legacy to my daughter. I wish I could have washed my genes before I gave them to her.

The latest manifestation of OCD has me teetering on the brink of meltdown. Every time she hears the word “please,” she feels a compulsion to groan. At first I thought it was just Beth being surly, and she suffered the consequences (groundings, loss of allowance, loss of privileges, etc); but it continued. Beth loves her computer (like her dad), she’s not that bad a kid, and no one is THAT stubborn, so I finally began to believe her when she said she couldn’t help it.

But it’s so hard. I’ll ask her to do something (politely – with a “please”) and she’ll grunt, sounding to all the world like she’s being a snot – then immediately apologize. My emotions go from furious, to sorrow, to guilt so fast that I feel a bit dizzy.

Somehow I’ve got to make it up to her. Somehow I’ve got to find something else worth passing on… something I can nurture, that will allow her to grow and flourish… something that will be enough to make up for the garbage she’s inherited.

Is hate too strong a word?

There’s someone I know that I don’t like very much. Although nothing about this statement is extraordinary, being commonplace is little consolation. This guy loses his temper more than I would like, and I cringe every time he yells. I see him show patience at the office and I wonder where it goes when he gets home. There was one time I saw him yell at his daughter, and my heart broke when she shrank back and said, “why are you yelling at me daddy?” Actually, saying my heart broke may be an understatement.

If you know me at all, you may have guessed I’m describing myself.

I know there are worse fathers out there, but it can be so hard sometimes… and this too is little consolation. At different times I find myself being an encyclopedia, teacher, mentor, counselor, mechanic, activities director, coach, mediator, agent, lawyer, maid, nurse, distributor, financier, cheerleader, dietician, and at least a few dozen things I didn’t think to list. I feel like a Jack-of-all-trades and master of none, while parenting demands mastery of all. I have no problem leaving my work behind when I go home, but my kids are my life and they go with me everywhere; with all of my warts and blemishes.

The other night we were working on math homework, and Beth was having trouble with a word problem. I was tired, a little sick, and of all things… she challenged me on my advice! “No dad, you don’t understand… I’m supposed to….” In my mind I know that this is a good thing. She’s thinking critically, independently. She’s trying to work things out in her own mind, and most of the time I’m extremely proud of her for it. Oh, but the other night it nearly drove me crazy. Who was this brash ten year old, questioning the boundless wisdom of her elders? Wasn’t she asking me for help? Doesn’t asking for help imply that you don’t know?

Maybe I’m asking to much of myself; but I don’t want to be a parent who yells… no matter how infrequent it is. I want to be the guy who earns their kid’s mutual respect through patience, understanding and reason. Maybe I am and it’s just too hard to see right now. Maybe it’s just a slow process, like everything else when a child is growing… something that is neither innate, default, nor immediate… something that must be slowly nurtured and developed over time.

Sometimes I want to savor every moment, knowing that my kids won’t be kids forever. Other times I wish I could hit fast-forward to get a peak at how things will turn out.

A prisoner to pre-teen impulse

It scares me sometimes how much my mood depends on events that I have no control over. Every day my daughter is picked up from school by a local program which gives her a safe place to do her homework, followed by a Tae Kwon Do lesson. While it has done wonders for her focus and confidence, it doesn’t always work out so well as a place to get her homework done… although she has done much better this year.

Every day I leave my office at 3:30 to go home and start the evening routine: get a little laundry started, do a little dinner prep; and every day I wonder if Beth is doing her homework. I know that if I want her to grow up to be responsible I can’t be one of those parents who constantly looks over her shoulder. There’s a line somewhere between allowing her to learn the consequences of her actions herself (so that responsible behavior is self rewarding), and not allowing her to fail too much, too often. As I’ve said at length before, my biggest problem as a parent is figuring out where those lines should be drawn.

The good news is that so far this year, Beth has done better this year. It’s a good thing too. She’s getting more homework than I did my junior and senior years in high school. (That or we’re just making her do more than I did.)

I wonder if anyone has done any studies to see if there’s any correlation between birth order and various forms of deviancy? It seems like first born children aren’t much more than on the job training for starter parents. By the time my son was born I felt like I was qualified to teach a graduate level course on infant development. Meanwhile, I haven’t even started my undergrad degree in adolescent education.

Are those grey clouds on the horizon?

Oops. It’s almost five… it’s time for me to go to my lab class.

You knew it was going to happen

In the North American Handbook for Surviving Parenthood, rule #73 states: “Never sit down in a dark room without completing a physical inspection of the seat.”

As an example, I offer you myself.

Birthday season is moving right along in the Kauffman Family Household (version 2.2.2), and yesterday we celebrated birthday #3 of the season, Adam’s third. One of his favorite presents was a loud, stomping, growling, football (American) sized triceratops. Just in case you’re not up on your paleontology, the triceratops was a dinosaur characterized by three large horns sticking out their head. (They might be called something other than horns, in which case it’ll be obvious I’M not really up on my paleontology.) One odd thing about this triceratops is the coloring. It’s mostly red, with blue highlights. Now I’m no expert (as previously established), but red seems like an unlikely color for a dinosaur. What’s the evolutionary advantage of red? Was the triceratops the parrot of the Cretaceous? Maybe their mating season coincided with fall foliage?

In any case, red is a good color for hiding on the futon in the family room, among our red and blue pillows.

I can assure you that was an unpleasant surprise.

Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work

Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work – The Onion:

According to sources close to the president, Bush barely had time to rest during the four-hour visit. He first met face-to-face with several high-ranking U.S. officials, who briefed him on the situation in Washington. Bush then signed a number of documents, took a guided tour of the facilities, and in a symbolic show of support for the current administration, shook hands with the vice president.

Bush’s EPA Is Pursuing Fewer Polluters

Bush’s EPA Is Pursuing Fewer Polluters – washingtonpost.com:

The Environmental Protection Agency’s pursuit of criminal cases against polluters has dropped off sharply during the Bush administration, with the number of prosecutions, new investigations and total convictions all down by more than a third, according to Justice Department and EPA data.

The number of civil lawsuits filed against defendants who refuse to settle environmental cases was down nearly 70 percent between fiscal years 2002 and 2006, compared with a four-year period in the late 1990s, according to those same statistics.

None of this is a surprise to me, it’s pure Bush as far as I’m concerned. I’m just glad it’s being reported on the heels of Condi Rice’s dubious claim last week at a a global climate change conference.

“I want to stress that the United States takes climate change very seriously, for we are both a major economy and a major emitter.’’

Yeah, we take it so seriously that we let polluters regulate themselves. That is, after all, the real reason new investigations and prosecutions are down at the EPA. We’re following the bold leadership of the Bush administration on environmental issues.

I read an article someplace this week where the author compared setting voluntary guidelines for emissions to making speed limits on the highways voluntary. I think that’s an apt comparison. Picture the highways if we had “speed guidelines” instead of “speed limits.” How fast would you go? Would you stick to the guidelines? Think about the other limits in your life, like your budget. Do you save as much money as you should, or like most of the rest of us, do you tend to spend about 105% of what you make? The truth is, as a society, we’re pretty lousy at self-control; even when we recognize that limiting our behavior is in our best interest.

Before the game

Putting aside this evening, which was a total loss, today was a pretty good day. The latest round of steroids and antibiotics gave me a bit of a reprieve from sinus pain. Dad came over for a nice dinner. Afterwards we sat around the table sipping a dessert wine, just hanging out and enjoying each other’s company.

The evening was even better, considering the set back we had on Thursday. My mother was sent off to the state mental hospital in north Florida. Some of you may not realize how big Florida is. Despite living almost right smack in the center of the Florida peninsula (on the west coast), the hospital is still over 300 miles away, between six to eight hours by car.

I don’t see how this is a good thing for my mother. She’s never been much for traveling, she’s terrified to be away from my father, and now she’s essentially in Alabama… which might as well be on the moon, as far as my mother is concerned. My dad’s been visiting her every day, and twice a day on the weekends; and now he won’t get a chance to see her for another two weeks.

There used to be a state hospital just on the other side of Tampa Bay, but it fell victim to neglect due to budget cuts… and further cuts closed it. Now there are a few hospitals left, but nothing that serves densely populated “I-4 corridor,” which includes Tampa, Orlando, and Pinellas County (the most densely populated county in Florida).

Yesterday someone was telling me how they hated big government, and it’s propensity to “throw around money.” I thought about my mother being shipped off across the state due to budget cuts, and I just about had a meltdown.

You know, I started writing up this entry thinking it was going to be a positive, cheery kind of entry. Boy did I make a wrong turn.

You can’t win them all

Auburn played a heck of a ball game. It’s just a shame they had to play it late at night, on a day when I was having a pretty good day. I’d like to say that Florida had some kind of moral victory… outplaying the Tigers, or being the better team… but it wouldn’t be true.

You get greedy when your team wins a lot of ball games. You want them to win them all. There’s always a night like this sometime, when you find out you can’t. I’ll tell you who I feel good for: Tommy Tuberville. He’s had a tough season so far, going 2-2, and loosing a tough game to South Florida at home. He coached up his guys pretty good this week. His quarterback looked like a different person; throwing with confidence and intelligence. Until the fourth quarter, his offensive and defensive lines owned the trenches. If it wasn’t for a heroic effort by Florida’s Tebow, it may not have been close.

I really wish I hadn’t been so invested in the outcome, otherwise it would have been a great game. Sadly, I’m not one of those people who can enjoy a good game when my team loses.

Now, somehow I’ve got to find a way to get some sleep. The kids will be up in seven hours, and I’m not terribly sleepy. It’s like I’m losing twice tonight.

Newsvine – White House: No Cover-Up of Bush’s Flub

Newsvine – White House: No Cover-Up of Bush’s Flub:

Anyone reading the official transcript of Bush’s statement on education Wednesday would see that he said “children do learn.”

Except that’s not what he said.

Bush flubbed the line and said “childrens do learn” — a particularly embarrassing gaffe given that he was surrounded by young students and talking about the importance of education. It also harkened back to another infamous misstatement, when Bush rhetorically asked “Is our children learning?”

I heard this on the radio (NPR I think). I almost had a bad experience with my coffee when I heard it.

Think of those poor transcribers. Presumably, they’re pretty good with their words. I wonder how hard it is to write with bad English on purpose. I this case, I wonder if they didn’t just key in the sentence correctly by mistake. I wonder if it’s something they’re warned about when they take this particular job.

“Forget everything you learned about English in elementary school, and just type what you hear. I know you already know this. I know you’re used to people saying strange things, but the boss takes it to another level, so look sharp people!”